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Jetters Abridged - Episode 1 (script)
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing. Script Mighty: Planet Bomber is home to a race of a most unusual people. The Bombermen are a species with no mouths and no ears. The only way they can communicate is through sheer frustration. Grandma: *Muffled shouting* Shiro: *Muffled shouting* Grandma: *Angrier muffled shouting* Mighty: And yet the species persists; the Bombermen simply choose to interpret each other’s incoherent anger by assumption. Unfortunately, after one of them assumes, they leave in frustration. *Shiro jumps out of building* *Cuts to Mighty waking* Mighty: Spark plug! …Oh, wow. I just realized how much my race sucks. *Intro* *Planet Bomber is shown, Jetters’ ship appears* Dr. Ein: The Hige Hige Bandits have targeted the Cosmo Diamond, the only diamond in the universe that shines all seven colors. Mighty: Like every other prism in the universe? Ein: Yeah, I don’t know what their problem is. They go after this junk, but it’s worthless within two days. Birdy: They need the money to pay for their ridiculous weapons and gadgets, so that they can steal more treasure. Don’t they know owls are useless in a recession? Ein: Well, for whatever reason, the people of Planet Bomber hired Jetters to protect the Cosmo Diamond, so get to it! *Signs off* Birdy: Hey, is that your little brother? Mighty: …What? Birdy: That picture; is that you and your little brother? Mighty: I don’t have my picture out… Birdy: You know what my grandpa always said, “keep your friends close, keep your enemies at the Travel Lodge”. Mighty: …Huh. You know, I think I will go visit my broth-. Birdy: My grandpa’s dead. Mighty: Oh, Shiro, I hope you’re not causing more trouble. Birdy: I just realized it’d be impossible to drive this thing if my right foot was cut off. I think about these things. *More underbreath* Maybe if you worried about them too, you’d be a leader. *Cuts to Shiro happily generating and dropping bombs* *Shiro giggles, numerous explosions* Mighty: *In the distance* Shiro! Shiro: *Gasp* *Turns to see Mighty* *Mighty sings Superman, Birdy provides “dun-dun-dun-dun” over the brooch* Mighty: Thanks, Birdy. Birdy: Yo. Mighty: Shiro! I return home from fighting crime, rebuilding dams and rescuing orphans to see you so brazenly abusing your powers? *Puts down girl* Oh, I’m sorry! I tend to pick up damsels when I’m being heroic. Damsel: I don’t even live on this planet! *Continues to yell at Shiro* You’re never going to be a great bomber unless you learn to understand; the bomb is in your heart, not in these…bombs. Have I made myself clear? Grandma: Where the hell is CPS…? Mighty: Ah, Grandmother. May the best grandson ever have a cup of tea? Grandma: Don’t kid yourself; you guard junk, your cousin guards a junkyard. Mighty: Oh, Grandma, we can’t all graduate from DeVry. Grandma: Says the Communications Major. Mighty: Go to hell. *Cuts to Mujo onlooking the museum* Mujoe: *Tarzan yell* Hey, what happened to mah pants? Hige hige! Mujoe: And don’t you forget it! He-he-heeh, this plan is like my underwear, tight and outta-sight! Take a huge, fuck-off laser, fire it randomly at the building and clear it all out. *Looks through binoculars again* Mujoe: There’s only four of them?! Damn, that makes my plan look drastically inefficient. Ah well, Mujoe’s always big and in your face! Ha ha ha! Hige! Mujoe: Ah, now you’re just being inappropriate. *Cut to Shiro and Mighty sitting down* Shiro: I think Louie’s dead. Mighty: Don’t interrupt me. *Turns head* I think Louie’s dead. That, or he’s as lazy as ever. Shiro: Well, the Bomber Academy has been making me really nervous, so I’ve taken to siphoning Louie’s adrenaline into my bloodstream. Mighty: Yeah, he’s probably dead. Shiro: Oh. Mighty: But that’s okay, we’re like gods. I can make you a new Louie- AGH! Shiro: What is it, brother? Mighty: Uh, never mind. *Underbreath* Like to see you try that again… Lemme show you something. Shiro: You’re not gonna show off aga- oh for fuck’s sake. *Mighty charges up his hand, fires into the sky* Mighty: Bomber shoot! Shiro: Uh, brother, whatever you were aiming at, you missed. Mighty: Oh, no I didn’t. See, about 20,000 light years away, a woman is about to be hit on by a very ugly shark. But that shark hates tobacco smoke. And...I lit her a cigarette. Shiro: Oooh! Mighty: And I killed the shark. Shiro: Ohhh… *Mighty and Shiro are sitting back down* Shiro: You have no moral compass, do you Brother? Mighty: I think Louie’s dead again. *Mighty’s lapel starts beeping* Birdy: Hey, Mighty. *Cuts to Birdy* Mighty: What’s up, Birdy? Birdy: …What’s your opinion on paper mache? *Silence* Birdy: Have you ever built a sandcastle out of paper mache, only to realize…it’s made out of sand? Mighty: Hey, how’s the Cosmo Diamond? Birdy: Well, I can’t see it, but I assume it’s still here. Mighty: Yeah, that’s my cue to go find it. I’ll catch you later, Shiro. Shiro: Where are you going, brother? Mighty: To the museum. The Hige Hige Bandits are after the Cosmo Diamond. It’s the most important diamond in the universe. Shiro: …Then why haven’t I heard of it? Birdy: *Cutting in over radio* Why don’t you have a mom? Mighty: *Flying away* *Sigh* What did I say about cutting into my conversations, Birdy? Birdy: I know, I know. I dunno. Shiro: Wait! Brother! I can help! Mighty: No you can’t! I know I was supportive a minute ago, but let’s be realistic! Shiro: *makes angry face* I’ll show you… I’ll show all of you. *Cuts to Mujoe striking awkward pose* Mujoe: ...Well, I’m bored. *Bandit runs up, frantic* Mujoe: What? You say you wanna babble incoherently in front of me and have me translate everything you say directly back to you? That doesn’t sound remotely uplifting. Hige hige! Mujoe: Well next time I’ll pick my words better! *Cuts to Shiro and Louie running through forest* Louie: *Gasping and wheezing* Shiro: Go, my beast of burden! Huh? *Sees the gear* Shiro: Is that a diamond? *Louie’s still gasping uncontrollably* Shiro: You don’t have to be a dick about it. *Pause, you see the Hige Hige Bandits* Bandit: … *Loud and deep* WHAT THE FUCK?! Shiro: Agh! You must be the Hige Hige Bandits! All of them: Hige! Deep one: No shit! Shiro: Do you know who I am?! I’m the brother of the legendary Bomberman, Mighty- *Mujoe appears behind him* Shiro: ...Is something poking into my back...?! Mujoe: Young man, you are entering a world of hurt. Hige! Mujoe: Oh, wrong phrasing. Sorry. *Cuts to museum* Birdy: Hey, are we cool, or-...? Mighty: Not a word. Not a goddamn word. *Glass explodes, Mujoe appears* Mujoe: Sorry for barging in uninvited! *From a far distance* Hige! Mujoe: Oh, go to hell! Mighty: Shiro...! Shiro: *Sobbing* It’s like a Turkish bathhouse in there...with half the space and double the bulge... Mujoe: So, what are you gonna do, Mighty? Are you gonna give it, or am I gonna have to take it? Hige- *POW* Mujoe: Whoever that was gets a raise. Deep one: *Muffled* AWESOME! Birdy: What an insidious, dirty trick. I gnash my cool teeth at you. *Pause, chomp chomp chomp chomp* Mujoe: Oh yeah, well check these out. *Chomp chomp chomp chomp* Mighty: Oh fuck it, this is getting stupid. *Mighty opens the diamond’s case, picks it up* Birdy: *Astonished gasp* That’s the Cosmo Diamond! Mujoe: Throw it over here. I’ll catch it in my pants. Wait, I’m still missing them, aren’t I? Ah hell, whatever. Mighty: For fuck’s sake, take the diamond and shut the hell up. *Laser fires* Shark: *Over Mujoe’s walkie-talkie* Tobacco is wack, Puto Pendejo. Mujoe: Who the hell is this?! *Gets tackled by Birdy* Birdy: Shiro! ...Don’t look now...! *More intense* It’s vision is based on movement! *A pair of eyes slowly appear on Mujoe’s bulge, quickly cuts away* Shiro: MIGHTY!!! *Starts glowing* Grandma: Help, I’m being chased by a menagerie- oh, dear. *Fires light out into sky* Shark: *Over walkie-talkie* Dah’s what you get, mang- ai, coño. Shiro: Brother, brother please say something! Mighty: *Weak* If only I had Bongo at my side, I would hit him. Bongo: That’s not nice, Bongo. Birdy: Wait, you’re hitting on me? If so, what’s your name? *Cuts to ship starting up* Mighty: Sorry, little brother. Shiro: About what? I’m the one who should be apologizing. Mighty: *Smiles* I mean for killing Louie on the way out. Shiro: What? Mighty: Here’s some balloons! *Pops, they float off* Shiro: *dazed* I’ve forgotten everythiiiing... *Ship flies away* Shiro: Wait! Brother! We haven’t gotten to reminisce about you being a jerk! Grandma: Your brother’s an asshole. *Credits* *Post-Credits* *Outside shot of the ship* Birdy: ...I just realized yesterday, I haven't been invited to prom in over thirty five years. Mighty: *very loud sigh* *Pow* Bongo: Ow, Bongo... Category:Episode Scripts